you could be happy.

we live a debaucherous life. of parties and drinking. i don't participate. the insanity is too much. if i lose control it will be all down hill. if i lose control people will be hurt, i will be hurt. i was angry in highs chool, but thats not true. i was angry at home.

she's better with over 5 months sober, but how long will it last? i cant keep my heart open anymore. im sick of wanting to believe. i was looking through my fb friends truing to find friend suggestions. i realized that she didn't know half of the people in my life anymore. it was a hard realization. truth brought to you by facebook. so i sit at home, neglecting my reading, neglecting my life. what do i have to show for it? well i don't act a fool except on my own terms. i told myself no more sarcastically racist jokes and tonight i couldn't stop the drivel from spewing out of my mouth. everyone laughs, but how old must it seem by now, the broad generalizations and that's what she saids.

what i really wanted i couldn't have and that was him. holding my hand. the dream within a dream. standing us against the world.

is this a secret blog now? now that it is connected to my old email address? noone read this anyways.

why do i only write in this when i am sad and depressed? when i have noone else to talk to.

is this the age when everyone pairs of and noone loves me best because i don't let them? because i don't love myself?

soothe

i had an amazing dream last night. well to clarify it was a dream that i had in a dream. it was perfect just like in 8th grade, there were kisses and hand holding and love. it was a dream where i woke up in the dream and remembered it was real. then i woke up in reality and realized it wasn't. what about my unconscious has decided that i can only process these feelings in a dream within a dream. are my walls that high?

when you took my hand as we faced the horrors that were closing in upon us i felt at peace and happy and safe. and waking up to the bright sunlight blinding my sleepy eyes it took me a while to realize that what i had believed so fully in my heart, that i was wanted and treasured for myself, was not true.

this of course has just reaffirmed my stance that good dreams suck because when you wake up and they arent true your life is just that much more hollow.

release me

my oldest friend is a heroin addict and i'm afraid she is going to die. this is like totally lame. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant say the right thing. its taking me a long time to process and i think it is fucking me up in ways that i cannot imagine.

i dont sleep anymore, i'm tired all day until i get to my home and then i'm wired enough not to sleep. i'm chain smoking. i've been imagining scenes in my head where, like in the movie beaches , i have to explain to her kid how awesome and wonderful she was.

i'm really angry about the whole thing, and i feel helpless and like i want to brush it underneath the rug and forgetabout it. and guilty.

i want a stranger to give me the best hug ever and then walk away, no strings attached.

soft shock

lately i've been feeling like i will never have a meaningful connection with someone of the opposite sex that will evolve into an adult sexual relationship. maybe this is something that will just never happen for me, maybe i'm frigid. maybe i should seek help for this, i mean i could live a life, thats for sure, but i dont think i will have ever LIVED, without at least one great love. i mean i can dole out the advice till i am blue in the face but i feel like such a fraud. also sometimes i feel like i might have evolved past base human sexual needs, companionship needs. but then there are times like this when the empty of the streets echoes the empty in my heart. and those times are never good.

baby tell me please, is this a dream?

there has been so much death around me lately samantha lost her first boyfriend, dot lost an aunt, jason lost a sister.... i think death freaks me out. i cannot picture living without any of the people that i care about. right down to homer. but when i think about the nitty gritty i think that i will be able to deal with it. that is the vary thought that makes me believe that i will not be able to deal with it.
i see myself having to be the strong one if one or both of my parents dies, i picture this and believe it with all of my heart but is that just the film love in me? needing to be the strong one until it is all over and then just falling apart? in all honesty i think we are all relying on evan to be the strong one, but if i have learned anything in my recent years it is that even though you can plan and plan and plan, life will always find a way of surprising you.

i want to comfort sad people, i want to take some of their hurt and replace it with warm strength. i dont know where this warm strength will come from but i want it to be there. and i dont mean to try and take away the hurt, i mean to let people experience their pain anyway that they choose, but i want them to heal, i want them to be ok.

i realized why i was so mad at katie for not going to jesse's memorial service. i was afraid that if i was in a position where i had to go to a funeral for claire, she wouldn't show up either. i realized this month that i dread getting a call that says that claire has died, and maybe that is why i pull away from her.

if we are led by our unconscious desires then who is really in control?

all i need

i dont think anyone reads this and i dont know if that makes me feel good or bad. i watched crank two tonight. it was insanity. i dont even know how to describe it except for my adhd was totally entertained. also pedro form nepoleon dynamite was in it and he kicked ass.

i'm tired, i think this was going to be one of those complain blogs but i think i'm gonna research office chairs on the internet instead.

summerboy

i feel like shit. this guy hit my car and now is claiming he parked, left his car the way it was and then it was moved. because i didnt have insurance at the time. ( it had gone to my old apt and i didnt know it was due for renewal. ) i think i am basically fucked. but i'm going to fight this all the way to the top. i'm seriously pissed off about it. i'm sure the dude was on the phone the whole time. i believe this because he was on the phone the whole time he was in the store. also when i asked him for his drivers license and insurance he said no and tried to get to his car. luckily my friends boyfriend happened to be in the store and was waiting with me and he stopped the guy from getting into his car while i called the police.

MY INSURANCE WAS LAPSED ONLY 25 DAYS!

aaarrrggghhh!!!

at least i didnt hit anyone, at least noone was hurt, at least it is moderate damage, at least i found out that i didnt have insurance because i would have been driving around without it for a long time.

i just hope that i can get this straightned out . i think it is going to take a long time. oooh man it is stressing me out so much. i think it is coloring the way that i look at everything. thank god i have pictures, i hope that they help me and work in my favor.

where does the good go?

i wish you would call me or show up at my work , or ask me out. i wish that you werent insanely younger than me. i wish that i has the guts to just call you and ask you out. but the memory has faded into niceness. your good nature replacing want, need. your alcohol consumption replacing everything. remember when you asked me to go smoke and it could have been just the two of us?

i want to shoot you in the face

i saw the first guy that i ever loved this week. i saw many guys that at one time or another i have had crushes on. he jumped at me and at first i thought he was a homeless guy that wanted a cigarette. but then he knew my name. he touched my shoulder and fiddled with the glasses on my face and i melted. and i was just back there. and later i remembered how when meeting again he touched you , not in a normal way , like a hug, or how the french kiss. but in a primal way. like animals scenting. i think it was the savage that i was attracted to . am attracted to. i mean dont get me wrong. i love an emo boy just as much as the next girl. but there is something so nice in this day and age about a manly man. a dudes dude. but one that still has respect for women. does that make sense? and it was nice being touched. being touched by someone that i knew/know. to remind me that no matter how invisible i feel. he still sees me.

on the other hand of course there was the drunk guy at the party tonight. he touched me and i told him to get out of my personal bubble. he elbowed me and i told him to stop. he made fun of me for asking him to stop touching me. he put his arm around me to apologize. i went the fuck off on him. i drank half a bottle of wine and wanted to smash his fucking face in. but he was drunk. and upset and extremely uncomfortable. what i wanted to say was this. " you are creepy. you openly talk about staring in my windows. you invade my personal space. these are things that make us have problems. if ou sit over there. sit on that cushin and try to talk to me i will talk to you. but i do not know you. and touching me is not ok. "

he was too drunk to get the messege. he just sat alone and was hurt and confused looking. slurring his words. i offered him a cigarette as his rolly was falling apart and burning his fingers. that was my olive branch.

i'm still really pissed about the ending of certain girls.

open arms

i just read a book that had me crying like a baby for the last 1/4 of it. its like 4am , again, and i cried myself awake.
i think you cant be loved until you love yourself. and you cant love yourself unless you know yourself and you cant know yourself if you dont have a personality. so where does that leave me?


so in honor of my new found love for journey and steve perry i leave you with these lyrics,

please sing either the journey or the mariah carey versions to yourself as you read the lyics in your head.

also, if i loose a parent i may go crazy on you and never recover. ( i know this will happen eventually i'm just giving a heads up on what my actions will be in the aftermath.)

Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms