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i like pinback, and cats and sleeping. i like being warm when i know it is cold outside. i like snuggling with homer ( my cat) and waking up with his body next to my head. i like iron and wine, and cat power, and chantal chamberlain. i like mariah carey and whitney huston i like singing along to the sleeping beauty soundtrack and dancing in the shower. i like food. i like chinese and mexican and ethiopian and indian and american. i like cold water from the fridge. i like people who are polite. i like to laugh, i like being in the sun. i like to help people. i like to cook, i like to read, i like how giving up a good book is like giving up a good friend. i like bonethugs in harmony, i like charlie's angels and wedding crashers, i like contempt and all the real girls. i like childrens movies and grey's anatomy. i like svu and project runway and breaking bad and the riches and veronica mars. i like smoking and i like walking. i like feeling comfortable and i like instant repore. i like pink and neon lime green. i like feeling pretty and girly . i like the smell of earth. i like walking barefoot in the grass. i like swimming. i like songs that make me cry and i like radiohead. i like living in the bay area and i like living near keyon. i like the taste of coffe and fish days at the farmers market. i like tulips and roses and i like smelling good. i like streching and gossip and gossip girl. i like astrology and the idea of faith healing. i like karma and double sided tape. i like the smell of elmers glue and the way that wood glue has a rectangle shaped spout. i like hall and oates and nine inch nails i like origami and i like hot days with strong winds. i like driving and i like listening to loud music in my car, and car dancing. i like pizza and i like eggrolls and i like chicken nuggets. i like singing loud so you can feel it in your chest. i like playing the only bars i know of moonlight sonata. i like lisps. i like cool cotton sheets.

so don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

it was an inside day from the start. i never should have left my house, to buy sugar, to get coffee, to eat dinner, to hang out, to buy face wash, to look for things that weren't there.

i put all of my cd's in a leather folder. discarding the jewel boxes for better lives. i filled the entire thing and when i went to get more sleeves the store didn't carry them.

i need to clean my room. i want to purge myself of all human attachments.

today as i drove to dinner i saw a man in a hospital gown walking down the street with his pants , that has obviously been cut off by ems, still hanging from his waste. i cursed the hospital that wouldn't give this man another pair of pants, cursed the skies for raining down on this guy and cursed myself for not having a pair of pants in my car to give away.

it's like, with all of this shit around us. with every choice making you feel like it was the wrong one. when you try to put on a brave jovial face when all you want is some fucking comfort. why the fuck would you ever leave your house if you didn't have to.

Je suis illusionniste

i had an epiphany. all of my sexual experiences have been bathed in the light of shame.

do you believe i can make you feel better

i had my review today at work. we had angry words. i fucking hate my job. i think this might be the calm before the storm. ideallly i would rain a shitstorm against her. but tuthfully i think i'll just leave and let her deal with all of the shit that they usually pile on me. someone finallly noticed that i was wearing the same thing everyday. he said he noticed before but didnt want to say anyhting. i think i would rather have someone tell me if i had food stuck between my teeth.

better

my mom gave me up so i could do great things and all i do is sit around and feel sorry for myself.

do you feel anything at all?

i've fallen into a k hole. stop me if you have heard this one before. i feel lackluster and old. i need something shiny and new. i think i am going to get my hair cut like the girl in kamakazi girls. not like the one dressed like a 18 century girl. but like the biker chick. i like the hair cut but i think that it might make my head look huge. like huge head mcgee. i feel ok inside, but really quiet. like free falling off a cliff or jumping out of a space station. maybe not maybe i'm just bored. maybe i need a new hobby. working and sleeping and reading is a lot of alone time. i find myself loosing all sense of patience with stupidity. it really pisses me off when people act like working in a theater is hard. one time i went on a date. he led me into a dark room and didnt tell me that i had to step down. i fell and twisted my ankle. needless to say it was a horrible date. after that i couldnt hang out with him without getting really drunk. was that fate telling me to runaway from a land mine? mad dog, mad dog.

you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends.

its like my brain has gone quiet and the nothingness in my heart has crept into my brain. i watched like, the most awesome movie tonight, it was called "wristcutters : a love story" and it was amazing. right up there with "me you and everyone we know" and " eagle vs shark"

the main character comits suicide and ends up in a desert purgatory with all of the other people that have ccommited suicide. he drives around this wasteland with two friends looking for his old girlfriend. i'm not making it sound as good as it was. i urge you , yes patrick that means you, since you are the only one that reads this, to go watch it.

so they live in a place that sucks. doing meaningless jobs, drinking and hanging out, not smiling, and i relized that is exactly where i am now. i'm toiling away at a job that i hate, doing nothing with my life, not smiling. wearing the same clothes for , i guess it's been three weeks now, and noone has noticed. i know i'm the only one that can save me, but i just dont care anymore.

tied to a night they never met.

it's like this, how can you not fall in llove with someone that answers every question pefectly? that has honor, and morals and good taste in music. that makes you laugh more than almost everyone. is it the chicken or the egg? am i glossing over the bad parts? is it because he's unavalible? can i fool myself into risking my heart only to have it slammed in my face again.

An anticipation for precipitation

i have been wearing the same clothes for two weeks. noone has noticed. i think i am becoming invisible.

You could be happy and I won't know

it's taken this long but i think i have finally learned what claire seemed to be trying to teach me all the years that i knew her. you can never depend on anyone but yourself. people will always leave, people will always let you down, and people will never really be there for you how/when you need them to be. no matter what the movies tell you things do not always turn out right and you can try your darndest and never get anywhere.
just when i thought that i was beginning to be alright with jesse not in this world i got another phone call that noone ever wants to get. dory was with me the first time i ever did speed ( during the first highschool dance of my freshman year.). he was the one who, while we were on acid in the cemetary, balanced out our praying to gravestones by jumpping up and down on them. he was the first person to ever tell me " it must suck to have such attractive friends" and he was the only person that i have ever met that could play both parts of "sleepwalker" by santo and johnny. i remember running around s/f/ with him going to his dads apt. hanging out in claires fathers house, and watching him play during his showes. he had such star power. i still to this day jock the amazing songs on rock immortal and laugh when i think of the guy licking a lolly pop in the she's only nine video.

when i was working at peets dory and his girlfriend would come in and it was always so nice to see him. i can't believe that that will never happen again.

it fucking hurts to lose people that you knew. it fucking damages your soul and rips apart your fucking heart. but does my grief diminish the grief of people that saw him everyday? people that he would actually call. does it matter when i knew him/? or how close we were? when people say " oh" does that mean that they dont know what to say or that they just don;t care. i feel like i'm drowning and there is nothing to keep me afloat.