dont look any further

i think im depressed and want to die. doesnt that sound melodramatic?

whoa oh whoa ah oh ah

your still in my dreams. it's weird now because they are nothing exciting. like small conversations that could have happened about inane things. about which room you have now. what does it mean!!!! what does it mean that you invade my day and night? what do you represent to me that I can not get you out of my mind.

what if my own skin makes my skin crawl?

vie been dreaming a lot lately. i think that it is because of my cough, constantly jerking me out of REM. you are always in them, in some form or another. i don't think you are a giver or receiver and so i think this must just be what you represent to me. but what is that?

in one of my most recent dreams i shaved my chest and arms, long strips of hair/ skin. it was as close to a nightmare as i could get without actually touching it.

i thought that i could obtain your heart. but why?

i decided to really push/ pursue - i think this was my first mistake.

the hormones making my mind crazy decided you were the perfect man. - nice hair, pretty eyes, large nose, thin upper lip, smart, funny, quick.

your lack of conceit ( no, immense desperation?) - made me believe that you might be able to love a monster like me.

but is that even true? can i truly love myself if i can see how some/ most could not?

it is all so confusing. i find my current hormonally stable self to be disgusted with you. mostly.

because while you may have most of the package there are a few lacking qualities.

i need someone who is willing to talk to me. - i think this goes hand in hand with someone who is actually also into me.

i need someone who understands my crazy. - who knows if this will ever exist.

so can i lock you away in my mind? can i not be embarrassed if i ever run into you? because most of the embarrass will be my horrible failure to get your clothes off. and that others might know of the ass i have made of myself.

and can i please figure out why you are still in my dreams? because i am 29 now, and i still feel like the heart part of my mind is 16.

maybe this vacation i will start drinking. and i will start loving and i will stop caring, but not when people need me to care.

its cold and i just want a human sized cat to keep me warm, and not eat my head.

you could be happy.

we live a debaucherous life. of parties and drinking. i don't participate. the insanity is too much. if i lose control it will be all down hill. if i lose control people will be hurt, i will be hurt. i was angry in highs chool, but thats not true. i was angry at home.

she's better with over 5 months sober, but how long will it last? i cant keep my heart open anymore. im sick of wanting to believe. i was looking through my fb friends truing to find friend suggestions. i realized that she didn't know half of the people in my life anymore. it was a hard realization. truth brought to you by facebook. so i sit at home, neglecting my reading, neglecting my life. what do i have to show for it? well i don't act a fool except on my own terms. i told myself no more sarcastically racist jokes and tonight i couldn't stop the drivel from spewing out of my mouth. everyone laughs, but how old must it seem by now, the broad generalizations and that's what she saids.

what i really wanted i couldn't have and that was him. holding my hand. the dream within a dream. standing us against the world.

is this a secret blog now? now that it is connected to my old email address? noone read this anyways.

why do i only write in this when i am sad and depressed? when i have noone else to talk to.

is this the age when everyone pairs of and noone loves me best because i don't let them? because i don't love myself?

soothe

i had an amazing dream last night. well to clarify it was a dream that i had in a dream. it was perfect just like in 8th grade, there were kisses and hand holding and love. it was a dream where i woke up in the dream and remembered it was real. then i woke up in reality and realized it wasn't. what about my unconscious has decided that i can only process these feelings in a dream within a dream. are my walls that high?

when you took my hand as we faced the horrors that were closing in upon us i felt at peace and happy and safe. and waking up to the bright sunlight blinding my sleepy eyes it took me a while to realize that what i had believed so fully in my heart, that i was wanted and treasured for myself, was not true.

this of course has just reaffirmed my stance that good dreams suck because when you wake up and they arent true your life is just that much more hollow.

release me

my oldest friend is a heroin addict and i'm afraid she is going to die. this is like totally lame. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant say the right thing. its taking me a long time to process and i think it is fucking me up in ways that i cannot imagine.

i dont sleep anymore, i'm tired all day until i get to my home and then i'm wired enough not to sleep. i'm chain smoking. i've been imagining scenes in my head where, like in the movie beaches , i have to explain to her kid how awesome and wonderful she was.

i'm really angry about the whole thing, and i feel helpless and like i want to brush it underneath the rug and forgetabout it. and guilty.

i want a stranger to give me the best hug ever and then walk away, no strings attached.

soft shock

lately i've been feeling like i will never have a meaningful connection with someone of the opposite sex that will evolve into an adult sexual relationship. maybe this is something that will just never happen for me, maybe i'm frigid. maybe i should seek help for this, i mean i could live a life, thats for sure, but i dont think i will have ever LIVED, without at least one great love. i mean i can dole out the advice till i am blue in the face but i feel like such a fraud. also sometimes i feel like i might have evolved past base human sexual needs, companionship needs. but then there are times like this when the empty of the streets echoes the empty in my heart. and those times are never good.

baby tell me please, is this a dream?

there has been so much death around me lately samantha lost her first boyfriend, dot lost an aunt, jason lost a sister.... i think death freaks me out. i cannot picture living without any of the people that i care about. right down to homer. but when i think about the nitty gritty i think that i will be able to deal with it. that is the vary thought that makes me believe that i will not be able to deal with it.
i see myself having to be the strong one if one or both of my parents dies, i picture this and believe it with all of my heart but is that just the film love in me? needing to be the strong one until it is all over and then just falling apart? in all honesty i think we are all relying on evan to be the strong one, but if i have learned anything in my recent years it is that even though you can plan and plan and plan, life will always find a way of surprising you.

i want to comfort sad people, i want to take some of their hurt and replace it with warm strength. i dont know where this warm strength will come from but i want it to be there. and i dont mean to try and take away the hurt, i mean to let people experience their pain anyway that they choose, but i want them to heal, i want them to be ok.

i realized why i was so mad at katie for not going to jesse's memorial service. i was afraid that if i was in a position where i had to go to a funeral for claire, she wouldn't show up either. i realized this month that i dread getting a call that says that claire has died, and maybe that is why i pull away from her.

if we are led by our unconscious desires then who is really in control?

all i need

i dont think anyone reads this and i dont know if that makes me feel good or bad. i watched crank two tonight. it was insanity. i dont even know how to describe it except for my adhd was totally entertained. also pedro form nepoleon dynamite was in it and he kicked ass.

i'm tired, i think this was going to be one of those complain blogs but i think i'm gonna research office chairs on the internet instead.

summerboy

i feel like shit. this guy hit my car and now is claiming he parked, left his car the way it was and then it was moved. because i didnt have insurance at the time. ( it had gone to my old apt and i didnt know it was due for renewal. ) i think i am basically fucked. but i'm going to fight this all the way to the top. i'm seriously pissed off about it. i'm sure the dude was on the phone the whole time. i believe this because he was on the phone the whole time he was in the store. also when i asked him for his drivers license and insurance he said no and tried to get to his car. luckily my friends boyfriend happened to be in the store and was waiting with me and he stopped the guy from getting into his car while i called the police.

MY INSURANCE WAS LAPSED ONLY 25 DAYS!

aaarrrggghhh!!!

at least i didnt hit anyone, at least noone was hurt, at least it is moderate damage, at least i found out that i didnt have insurance because i would have been driving around without it for a long time.

i just hope that i can get this straightned out . i think it is going to take a long time. oooh man it is stressing me out so much. i think it is coloring the way that i look at everything. thank god i have pictures, i hope that they help me and work in my favor.