what if my own skin makes my skin crawl?

vie been dreaming a lot lately. i think that it is because of my cough, constantly jerking me out of REM. you are always in them, in some form or another. i don't think you are a giver or receiver and so i think this must just be what you represent to me. but what is that?

in one of my most recent dreams i shaved my chest and arms, long strips of hair/ skin. it was as close to a nightmare as i could get without actually touching it.

i thought that i could obtain your heart. but why?

i decided to really push/ pursue - i think this was my first mistake.

the hormones making my mind crazy decided you were the perfect man. - nice hair, pretty eyes, large nose, thin upper lip, smart, funny, quick.

your lack of conceit ( no, immense desperation?) - made me believe that you might be able to love a monster like me.

but is that even true? can i truly love myself if i can see how some/ most could not?

it is all so confusing. i find my current hormonally stable self to be disgusted with you. mostly.

because while you may have most of the package there are a few lacking qualities.

i need someone who is willing to talk to me. - i think this goes hand in hand with someone who is actually also into me.

i need someone who understands my crazy. - who knows if this will ever exist.

so can i lock you away in my mind? can i not be embarrassed if i ever run into you? because most of the embarrass will be my horrible failure to get your clothes off. and that others might know of the ass i have made of myself.

and can i please figure out why you are still in my dreams? because i am 29 now, and i still feel like the heart part of my mind is 16.

maybe this vacation i will start drinking. and i will start loving and i will stop caring, but not when people need me to care.

its cold and i just want a human sized cat to keep me warm, and not eat my head.