baby tell me please, is this a dream?

there has been so much death around me lately samantha lost her first boyfriend, dot lost an aunt, jason lost a sister.... i think death freaks me out. i cannot picture living without any of the people that i care about. right down to homer. but when i think about the nitty gritty i think that i will be able to deal with it. that is the vary thought that makes me believe that i will not be able to deal with it.
i see myself having to be the strong one if one or both of my parents dies, i picture this and believe it with all of my heart but is that just the film love in me? needing to be the strong one until it is all over and then just falling apart? in all honesty i think we are all relying on evan to be the strong one, but if i have learned anything in my recent years it is that even though you can plan and plan and plan, life will always find a way of surprising you.

i want to comfort sad people, i want to take some of their hurt and replace it with warm strength. i dont know where this warm strength will come from but i want it to be there. and i dont mean to try and take away the hurt, i mean to let people experience their pain anyway that they choose, but i want them to heal, i want them to be ok.

i realized why i was so mad at katie for not going to jesse's memorial service. i was afraid that if i was in a position where i had to go to a funeral for claire, she wouldn't show up either. i realized this month that i dread getting a call that says that claire has died, and maybe that is why i pull away from her.

if we are led by our unconscious desires then who is really in control?

all i need

i dont think anyone reads this and i dont know if that makes me feel good or bad. i watched crank two tonight. it was insanity. i dont even know how to describe it except for my adhd was totally entertained. also pedro form nepoleon dynamite was in it and he kicked ass.

i'm tired, i think this was going to be one of those complain blogs but i think i'm gonna research office chairs on the internet instead.

summerboy

i feel like shit. this guy hit my car and now is claiming he parked, left his car the way it was and then it was moved. because i didnt have insurance at the time. ( it had gone to my old apt and i didnt know it was due for renewal. ) i think i am basically fucked. but i'm going to fight this all the way to the top. i'm seriously pissed off about it. i'm sure the dude was on the phone the whole time. i believe this because he was on the phone the whole time he was in the store. also when i asked him for his drivers license and insurance he said no and tried to get to his car. luckily my friends boyfriend happened to be in the store and was waiting with me and he stopped the guy from getting into his car while i called the police.

MY INSURANCE WAS LAPSED ONLY 25 DAYS!

aaarrrggghhh!!!

at least i didnt hit anyone, at least noone was hurt, at least it is moderate damage, at least i found out that i didnt have insurance because i would have been driving around without it for a long time.

i just hope that i can get this straightned out . i think it is going to take a long time. oooh man it is stressing me out so much. i think it is coloring the way that i look at everything. thank god i have pictures, i hope that they help me and work in my favor.

where does the good go?

i wish you would call me or show up at my work , or ask me out. i wish that you werent insanely younger than me. i wish that i has the guts to just call you and ask you out. but the memory has faded into niceness. your good nature replacing want, need. your alcohol consumption replacing everything. remember when you asked me to go smoke and it could have been just the two of us?

i want to shoot you in the face

i saw the first guy that i ever loved this week. i saw many guys that at one time or another i have had crushes on. he jumped at me and at first i thought he was a homeless guy that wanted a cigarette. but then he knew my name. he touched my shoulder and fiddled with the glasses on my face and i melted. and i was just back there. and later i remembered how when meeting again he touched you , not in a normal way , like a hug, or how the french kiss. but in a primal way. like animals scenting. i think it was the savage that i was attracted to . am attracted to. i mean dont get me wrong. i love an emo boy just as much as the next girl. but there is something so nice in this day and age about a manly man. a dudes dude. but one that still has respect for women. does that make sense? and it was nice being touched. being touched by someone that i knew/know. to remind me that no matter how invisible i feel. he still sees me.

on the other hand of course there was the drunk guy at the party tonight. he touched me and i told him to get out of my personal bubble. he elbowed me and i told him to stop. he made fun of me for asking him to stop touching me. he put his arm around me to apologize. i went the fuck off on him. i drank half a bottle of wine and wanted to smash his fucking face in. but he was drunk. and upset and extremely uncomfortable. what i wanted to say was this. " you are creepy. you openly talk about staring in my windows. you invade my personal space. these are things that make us have problems. if ou sit over there. sit on that cushin and try to talk to me i will talk to you. but i do not know you. and touching me is not ok. "

he was too drunk to get the messege. he just sat alone and was hurt and confused looking. slurring his words. i offered him a cigarette as his rolly was falling apart and burning his fingers. that was my olive branch.

i'm still really pissed about the ending of certain girls.

open arms

i just read a book that had me crying like a baby for the last 1/4 of it. its like 4am , again, and i cried myself awake.
i think you cant be loved until you love yourself. and you cant love yourself unless you know yourself and you cant know yourself if you dont have a personality. so where does that leave me?


so in honor of my new found love for journey and steve perry i leave you with these lyrics,

please sing either the journey or the mariah carey versions to yourself as you read the lyics in your head.

also, if i loose a parent i may go crazy on you and never recover. ( i know this will happen eventually i'm just giving a heads up on what my actions will be in the aftermath.)

Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

doesn't play well with others

i feel isolated from the rest of the world. i do it to myself. sometimes i feel so quick that noone can keep up with me. and sometimes i feel so slow i think the world is quickly passing me by. i liked indiana jones and everyone else hated it.

i mean i really enjoyed it.

there is a pull at my heart. i want to, like, be hugged.

is it because there is so much drama on tv and no drama in my life that i think my life is unfulfilling and passionless? i've been watching brothers and sisters and i've been watching grey's anatomy. i heard a crackhead fight outside my window and i actually thought. i have never had passion like that with anyone. its because i dont feel like i can be loved. its because i dont think i'm worthy of love, its because noone has ever actually loved me. besides family. but not even some of the family that counts.

8/8/08 it was a dream i had. it was a korean flag ying yang tattooed on my palm and the date tattooed on my wrist. i cant help but think that something bad will happen. but maybe my birth mother will find me on that day. maybe i will be related to one of the olympic medalists. maybe i'll die. i guess me have 2 months till we find out.

i keep saying to myself that it doesn't matter that my birth mother has not tried to find me. i keep saying to myself that it doesn't matter that my birth mother has not tried to find me.

fuck i just wanna sleep!!!!!

it's like, four in the morning and i have to wake up at 10. i know to most people that doesnt seem early but its pretty early to me. ijust keep running things through my head wondering what the hell could be keeing me up. did the barista give me caffinated coffe instead of decaf? most signs point to yes.

was it the fuckingvw jetta that was blocking my goddamn driveway when i got home, prolly but not as much. the fucking huge platform sneakers heroin chic ripped just so tights bitch that came to the car just as the cops were going to tow away her car actually shook the cops hands and thanksed them . after she said " oh really?" to their did you know you are parked in a driveway? of course she fucking knew she was parked in a driveway. she was a fucking foot into it and she pulled up so close to the car infront of her that you couldnt even fit a peice of floss between the cars. fucking asshole cops. took three hours to get here and then did absolutely nothing. didnt even give her a ticket. fucking washington heroin hippie goth freaks.aaaahhhhhhh. but really i dont care that much. maybe it was the latest batch of kombucha that i made. maybe it is the shitty fucking asshole at work that rown noses in my bosses ass so much that his teeth are permenately stained. what a fucking douche. all i know is that all i can chant is three months, three months, threemonths 3 months 3 months three months tthree months. god if i have to stay any longer i think i will drive off a cliff.

title

i like pinback, and cats and sleeping. i like being warm when i know it is cold outside. i like snuggling with homer ( my cat) and waking up with his body next to my head. i like iron and wine, and cat power, and chantal chamberlain. i like mariah carey and whitney huston i like singing along to the sleeping beauty soundtrack and dancing in the shower. i like food. i like chinese and mexican and ethiopian and indian and american. i like cold water from the fridge. i like people who are polite. i like to laugh, i like being in the sun. i like to help people. i like to cook, i like to read, i like how giving up a good book is like giving up a good friend. i like bonethugs in harmony, i like charlie's angels and wedding crashers, i like contempt and all the real girls. i like childrens movies and grey's anatomy. i like svu and project runway and breaking bad and the riches and veronica mars. i like smoking and i like walking. i like feeling comfortable and i like instant repore. i like pink and neon lime green. i like feeling pretty and girly . i like the smell of earth. i like walking barefoot in the grass. i like swimming. i like songs that make me cry and i like radiohead. i like living in the bay area and i like living near keyon. i like the taste of coffe and fish days at the farmers market. i like tulips and roses and i like smelling good. i like streching and gossip and gossip girl. i like astrology and the idea of faith healing. i like karma and double sided tape. i like the smell of elmers glue and the way that wood glue has a rectangle shaped spout. i like hall and oates and nine inch nails i like origami and i like hot days with strong winds. i like driving and i like listening to loud music in my car, and car dancing. i like pizza and i like eggrolls and i like chicken nuggets. i like singing loud so you can feel it in your chest. i like playing the only bars i know of moonlight sonata. i like lisps. i like cool cotton sheets.

so don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

it was an inside day from the start. i never should have left my house, to buy sugar, to get coffee, to eat dinner, to hang out, to buy face wash, to look for things that weren't there.

i put all of my cd's in a leather folder. discarding the jewel boxes for better lives. i filled the entire thing and when i went to get more sleeves the store didn't carry them.

i need to clean my room. i want to purge myself of all human attachments.

today as i drove to dinner i saw a man in a hospital gown walking down the street with his pants , that has obviously been cut off by ems, still hanging from his waste. i cursed the hospital that wouldn't give this man another pair of pants, cursed the skies for raining down on this guy and cursed myself for not having a pair of pants in my car to give away.

it's like, with all of this shit around us. with every choice making you feel like it was the wrong one. when you try to put on a brave jovial face when all you want is some fucking comfort. why the fuck would you ever leave your house if you didn't have to.