dont look any further

i think im depressed and want to die. doesnt that sound melodramatic?

whoa oh whoa ah oh ah

your still in my dreams. it's weird now because they are nothing exciting. like small conversations that could have happened about inane things. about which room you have now. what does it mean!!!! what does it mean that you invade my day and night? what do you represent to me that I can not get you out of my mind.

what if my own skin makes my skin crawl?

vie been dreaming a lot lately. i think that it is because of my cough, constantly jerking me out of REM. you are always in them, in some form or another. i don't think you are a giver or receiver and so i think this must just be what you represent to me. but what is that?

in one of my most recent dreams i shaved my chest and arms, long strips of hair/ skin. it was as close to a nightmare as i could get without actually touching it.

i thought that i could obtain your heart. but why?

i decided to really push/ pursue - i think this was my first mistake.

the hormones making my mind crazy decided you were the perfect man. - nice hair, pretty eyes, large nose, thin upper lip, smart, funny, quick.

your lack of conceit ( no, immense desperation?) - made me believe that you might be able to love a monster like me.

but is that even true? can i truly love myself if i can see how some/ most could not?

it is all so confusing. i find my current hormonally stable self to be disgusted with you. mostly.

because while you may have most of the package there are a few lacking qualities.

i need someone who is willing to talk to me. - i think this goes hand in hand with someone who is actually also into me.

i need someone who understands my crazy. - who knows if this will ever exist.

so can i lock you away in my mind? can i not be embarrassed if i ever run into you? because most of the embarrass will be my horrible failure to get your clothes off. and that others might know of the ass i have made of myself.

and can i please figure out why you are still in my dreams? because i am 29 now, and i still feel like the heart part of my mind is 16.

maybe this vacation i will start drinking. and i will start loving and i will stop caring, but not when people need me to care.

its cold and i just want a human sized cat to keep me warm, and not eat my head.

you could be happy.

we live a debaucherous life. of parties and drinking. i don't participate. the insanity is too much. if i lose control it will be all down hill. if i lose control people will be hurt, i will be hurt. i was angry in highs chool, but thats not true. i was angry at home.

she's better with over 5 months sober, but how long will it last? i cant keep my heart open anymore. im sick of wanting to believe. i was looking through my fb friends truing to find friend suggestions. i realized that she didn't know half of the people in my life anymore. it was a hard realization. truth brought to you by facebook. so i sit at home, neglecting my reading, neglecting my life. what do i have to show for it? well i don't act a fool except on my own terms. i told myself no more sarcastically racist jokes and tonight i couldn't stop the drivel from spewing out of my mouth. everyone laughs, but how old must it seem by now, the broad generalizations and that's what she saids.

what i really wanted i couldn't have and that was him. holding my hand. the dream within a dream. standing us against the world.

is this a secret blog now? now that it is connected to my old email address? noone read this anyways.

why do i only write in this when i am sad and depressed? when i have noone else to talk to.

is this the age when everyone pairs of and noone loves me best because i don't let them? because i don't love myself?

soothe

i had an amazing dream last night. well to clarify it was a dream that i had in a dream. it was perfect just like in 8th grade, there were kisses and hand holding and love. it was a dream where i woke up in the dream and remembered it was real. then i woke up in reality and realized it wasn't. what about my unconscious has decided that i can only process these feelings in a dream within a dream. are my walls that high?

when you took my hand as we faced the horrors that were closing in upon us i felt at peace and happy and safe. and waking up to the bright sunlight blinding my sleepy eyes it took me a while to realize that what i had believed so fully in my heart, that i was wanted and treasured for myself, was not true.

this of course has just reaffirmed my stance that good dreams suck because when you wake up and they arent true your life is just that much more hollow.

release me

my oldest friend is a heroin addict and i'm afraid she is going to die. this is like totally lame. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant say the right thing. its taking me a long time to process and i think it is fucking me up in ways that i cannot imagine.

i dont sleep anymore, i'm tired all day until i get to my home and then i'm wired enough not to sleep. i'm chain smoking. i've been imagining scenes in my head where, like in the movie beaches , i have to explain to her kid how awesome and wonderful she was.

i'm really angry about the whole thing, and i feel helpless and like i want to brush it underneath the rug and forgetabout it. and guilty.

i want a stranger to give me the best hug ever and then walk away, no strings attached.

soft shock

lately i've been feeling like i will never have a meaningful connection with someone of the opposite sex that will evolve into an adult sexual relationship. maybe this is something that will just never happen for me, maybe i'm frigid. maybe i should seek help for this, i mean i could live a life, thats for sure, but i dont think i will have ever LIVED, without at least one great love. i mean i can dole out the advice till i am blue in the face but i feel like such a fraud. also sometimes i feel like i might have evolved past base human sexual needs, companionship needs. but then there are times like this when the empty of the streets echoes the empty in my heart. and those times are never good.

baby tell me please, is this a dream?

there has been so much death around me lately samantha lost her first boyfriend, dot lost an aunt, jason lost a sister.... i think death freaks me out. i cannot picture living without any of the people that i care about. right down to homer. but when i think about the nitty gritty i think that i will be able to deal with it. that is the vary thought that makes me believe that i will not be able to deal with it.
i see myself having to be the strong one if one or both of my parents dies, i picture this and believe it with all of my heart but is that just the film love in me? needing to be the strong one until it is all over and then just falling apart? in all honesty i think we are all relying on evan to be the strong one, but if i have learned anything in my recent years it is that even though you can plan and plan and plan, life will always find a way of surprising you.

i want to comfort sad people, i want to take some of their hurt and replace it with warm strength. i dont know where this warm strength will come from but i want it to be there. and i dont mean to try and take away the hurt, i mean to let people experience their pain anyway that they choose, but i want them to heal, i want them to be ok.

i realized why i was so mad at katie for not going to jesse's memorial service. i was afraid that if i was in a position where i had to go to a funeral for claire, she wouldn't show up either. i realized this month that i dread getting a call that says that claire has died, and maybe that is why i pull away from her.

if we are led by our unconscious desires then who is really in control?

all i need

i dont think anyone reads this and i dont know if that makes me feel good or bad. i watched crank two tonight. it was insanity. i dont even know how to describe it except for my adhd was totally entertained. also pedro form nepoleon dynamite was in it and he kicked ass.

i'm tired, i think this was going to be one of those complain blogs but i think i'm gonna research office chairs on the internet instead.

summerboy

i feel like shit. this guy hit my car and now is claiming he parked, left his car the way it was and then it was moved. because i didnt have insurance at the time. ( it had gone to my old apt and i didnt know it was due for renewal. ) i think i am basically fucked. but i'm going to fight this all the way to the top. i'm seriously pissed off about it. i'm sure the dude was on the phone the whole time. i believe this because he was on the phone the whole time he was in the store. also when i asked him for his drivers license and insurance he said no and tried to get to his car. luckily my friends boyfriend happened to be in the store and was waiting with me and he stopped the guy from getting into his car while i called the police.

MY INSURANCE WAS LAPSED ONLY 25 DAYS!

aaarrrggghhh!!!

at least i didnt hit anyone, at least noone was hurt, at least it is moderate damage, at least i found out that i didnt have insurance because i would have been driving around without it for a long time.

i just hope that i can get this straightned out . i think it is going to take a long time. oooh man it is stressing me out so much. i think it is coloring the way that i look at everything. thank god i have pictures, i hope that they help me and work in my favor.

where does the good go?

i wish you would call me or show up at my work , or ask me out. i wish that you werent insanely younger than me. i wish that i has the guts to just call you and ask you out. but the memory has faded into niceness. your good nature replacing want, need. your alcohol consumption replacing everything. remember when you asked me to go smoke and it could have been just the two of us?

i want to shoot you in the face

i saw the first guy that i ever loved this week. i saw many guys that at one time or another i have had crushes on. he jumped at me and at first i thought he was a homeless guy that wanted a cigarette. but then he knew my name. he touched my shoulder and fiddled with the glasses on my face and i melted. and i was just back there. and later i remembered how when meeting again he touched you , not in a normal way , like a hug, or how the french kiss. but in a primal way. like animals scenting. i think it was the savage that i was attracted to . am attracted to. i mean dont get me wrong. i love an emo boy just as much as the next girl. but there is something so nice in this day and age about a manly man. a dudes dude. but one that still has respect for women. does that make sense? and it was nice being touched. being touched by someone that i knew/know. to remind me that no matter how invisible i feel. he still sees me.

on the other hand of course there was the drunk guy at the party tonight. he touched me and i told him to get out of my personal bubble. he elbowed me and i told him to stop. he made fun of me for asking him to stop touching me. he put his arm around me to apologize. i went the fuck off on him. i drank half a bottle of wine and wanted to smash his fucking face in. but he was drunk. and upset and extremely uncomfortable. what i wanted to say was this. " you are creepy. you openly talk about staring in my windows. you invade my personal space. these are things that make us have problems. if ou sit over there. sit on that cushin and try to talk to me i will talk to you. but i do not know you. and touching me is not ok. "

he was too drunk to get the messege. he just sat alone and was hurt and confused looking. slurring his words. i offered him a cigarette as his rolly was falling apart and burning his fingers. that was my olive branch.

i'm still really pissed about the ending of certain girls.

open arms

i just read a book that had me crying like a baby for the last 1/4 of it. its like 4am , again, and i cried myself awake.
i think you cant be loved until you love yourself. and you cant love yourself unless you know yourself and you cant know yourself if you dont have a personality. so where does that leave me?


so in honor of my new found love for journey and steve perry i leave you with these lyrics,

please sing either the journey or the mariah carey versions to yourself as you read the lyics in your head.

also, if i loose a parent i may go crazy on you and never recover. ( i know this will happen eventually i'm just giving a heads up on what my actions will be in the aftermath.)

Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

doesn't play well with others

i feel isolated from the rest of the world. i do it to myself. sometimes i feel so quick that noone can keep up with me. and sometimes i feel so slow i think the world is quickly passing me by. i liked indiana jones and everyone else hated it.

i mean i really enjoyed it.

there is a pull at my heart. i want to, like, be hugged.

is it because there is so much drama on tv and no drama in my life that i think my life is unfulfilling and passionless? i've been watching brothers and sisters and i've been watching grey's anatomy. i heard a crackhead fight outside my window and i actually thought. i have never had passion like that with anyone. its because i dont feel like i can be loved. its because i dont think i'm worthy of love, its because noone has ever actually loved me. besides family. but not even some of the family that counts.

8/8/08 it was a dream i had. it was a korean flag ying yang tattooed on my palm and the date tattooed on my wrist. i cant help but think that something bad will happen. but maybe my birth mother will find me on that day. maybe i will be related to one of the olympic medalists. maybe i'll die. i guess me have 2 months till we find out.

i keep saying to myself that it doesn't matter that my birth mother has not tried to find me. i keep saying to myself that it doesn't matter that my birth mother has not tried to find me.

fuck i just wanna sleep!!!!!

it's like, four in the morning and i have to wake up at 10. i know to most people that doesnt seem early but its pretty early to me. ijust keep running things through my head wondering what the hell could be keeing me up. did the barista give me caffinated coffe instead of decaf? most signs point to yes.

was it the fuckingvw jetta that was blocking my goddamn driveway when i got home, prolly but not as much. the fucking huge platform sneakers heroin chic ripped just so tights bitch that came to the car just as the cops were going to tow away her car actually shook the cops hands and thanksed them . after she said " oh really?" to their did you know you are parked in a driveway? of course she fucking knew she was parked in a driveway. she was a fucking foot into it and she pulled up so close to the car infront of her that you couldnt even fit a peice of floss between the cars. fucking asshole cops. took three hours to get here and then did absolutely nothing. didnt even give her a ticket. fucking washington heroin hippie goth freaks.aaaahhhhhhh. but really i dont care that much. maybe it was the latest batch of kombucha that i made. maybe it is the shitty fucking asshole at work that rown noses in my bosses ass so much that his teeth are permenately stained. what a fucking douche. all i know is that all i can chant is three months, three months, threemonths 3 months 3 months three months tthree months. god if i have to stay any longer i think i will drive off a cliff.

title

i like pinback, and cats and sleeping. i like being warm when i know it is cold outside. i like snuggling with homer ( my cat) and waking up with his body next to my head. i like iron and wine, and cat power, and chantal chamberlain. i like mariah carey and whitney huston i like singing along to the sleeping beauty soundtrack and dancing in the shower. i like food. i like chinese and mexican and ethiopian and indian and american. i like cold water from the fridge. i like people who are polite. i like to laugh, i like being in the sun. i like to help people. i like to cook, i like to read, i like how giving up a good book is like giving up a good friend. i like bonethugs in harmony, i like charlie's angels and wedding crashers, i like contempt and all the real girls. i like childrens movies and grey's anatomy. i like svu and project runway and breaking bad and the riches and veronica mars. i like smoking and i like walking. i like feeling comfortable and i like instant repore. i like pink and neon lime green. i like feeling pretty and girly . i like the smell of earth. i like walking barefoot in the grass. i like swimming. i like songs that make me cry and i like radiohead. i like living in the bay area and i like living near keyon. i like the taste of coffe and fish days at the farmers market. i like tulips and roses and i like smelling good. i like streching and gossip and gossip girl. i like astrology and the idea of faith healing. i like karma and double sided tape. i like the smell of elmers glue and the way that wood glue has a rectangle shaped spout. i like hall and oates and nine inch nails i like origami and i like hot days with strong winds. i like driving and i like listening to loud music in my car, and car dancing. i like pizza and i like eggrolls and i like chicken nuggets. i like singing loud so you can feel it in your chest. i like playing the only bars i know of moonlight sonata. i like lisps. i like cool cotton sheets.

so don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen

it was an inside day from the start. i never should have left my house, to buy sugar, to get coffee, to eat dinner, to hang out, to buy face wash, to look for things that weren't there.

i put all of my cd's in a leather folder. discarding the jewel boxes for better lives. i filled the entire thing and when i went to get more sleeves the store didn't carry them.

i need to clean my room. i want to purge myself of all human attachments.

today as i drove to dinner i saw a man in a hospital gown walking down the street with his pants , that has obviously been cut off by ems, still hanging from his waste. i cursed the hospital that wouldn't give this man another pair of pants, cursed the skies for raining down on this guy and cursed myself for not having a pair of pants in my car to give away.

it's like, with all of this shit around us. with every choice making you feel like it was the wrong one. when you try to put on a brave jovial face when all you want is some fucking comfort. why the fuck would you ever leave your house if you didn't have to.

Je suis illusionniste

i had an epiphany. all of my sexual experiences have been bathed in the light of shame.

do you believe i can make you feel better

i had my review today at work. we had angry words. i fucking hate my job. i think this might be the calm before the storm. ideallly i would rain a shitstorm against her. but tuthfully i think i'll just leave and let her deal with all of the shit that they usually pile on me. someone finallly noticed that i was wearing the same thing everyday. he said he noticed before but didnt want to say anyhting. i think i would rather have someone tell me if i had food stuck between my teeth.

better

my mom gave me up so i could do great things and all i do is sit around and feel sorry for myself.