soft shock

lately i've been feeling like i will never have a meaningful connection with someone of the opposite sex that will evolve into an adult sexual relationship. maybe this is something that will just never happen for me, maybe i'm frigid. maybe i should seek help for this, i mean i could live a life, thats for sure, but i dont think i will have ever LIVED, without at least one great love. i mean i can dole out the advice till i am blue in the face but i feel like such a fraud. also sometimes i feel like i might have evolved past base human sexual needs, companionship needs. but then there are times like this when the empty of the streets echoes the empty in my heart. and those times are never good.

baby tell me please, is this a dream?

there has been so much death around me lately samantha lost her first boyfriend, dot lost an aunt, jason lost a sister.... i think death freaks me out. i cannot picture living without any of the people that i care about. right down to homer. but when i think about the nitty gritty i think that i will be able to deal with it. that is the vary thought that makes me believe that i will not be able to deal with it.
i see myself having to be the strong one if one or both of my parents dies, i picture this and believe it with all of my heart but is that just the film love in me? needing to be the strong one until it is all over and then just falling apart? in all honesty i think we are all relying on evan to be the strong one, but if i have learned anything in my recent years it is that even though you can plan and plan and plan, life will always find a way of surprising you.

i want to comfort sad people, i want to take some of their hurt and replace it with warm strength. i dont know where this warm strength will come from but i want it to be there. and i dont mean to try and take away the hurt, i mean to let people experience their pain anyway that they choose, but i want them to heal, i want them to be ok.

i realized why i was so mad at katie for not going to jesse's memorial service. i was afraid that if i was in a position where i had to go to a funeral for claire, she wouldn't show up either. i realized this month that i dread getting a call that says that claire has died, and maybe that is why i pull away from her.

if we are led by our unconscious desires then who is really in control?

all i need

i dont think anyone reads this and i dont know if that makes me feel good or bad. i watched crank two tonight. it was insanity. i dont even know how to describe it except for my adhd was totally entertained. also pedro form nepoleon dynamite was in it and he kicked ass.

i'm tired, i think this was going to be one of those complain blogs but i think i'm gonna research office chairs on the internet instead.

summerboy

i feel like shit. this guy hit my car and now is claiming he parked, left his car the way it was and then it was moved. because i didnt have insurance at the time. ( it had gone to my old apt and i didnt know it was due for renewal. ) i think i am basically fucked. but i'm going to fight this all the way to the top. i'm seriously pissed off about it. i'm sure the dude was on the phone the whole time. i believe this because he was on the phone the whole time he was in the store. also when i asked him for his drivers license and insurance he said no and tried to get to his car. luckily my friends boyfriend happened to be in the store and was waiting with me and he stopped the guy from getting into his car while i called the police.

MY INSURANCE WAS LAPSED ONLY 25 DAYS!

aaarrrggghhh!!!

at least i didnt hit anyone, at least noone was hurt, at least it is moderate damage, at least i found out that i didnt have insurance because i would have been driving around without it for a long time.

i just hope that i can get this straightned out . i think it is going to take a long time. oooh man it is stressing me out so much. i think it is coloring the way that i look at everything. thank god i have pictures, i hope that they help me and work in my favor.