Je suis illusionniste

i had an epiphany. all of my sexual experiences have been bathed in the light of shame.

do you believe i can make you feel better

i had my review today at work. we had angry words. i fucking hate my job. i think this might be the calm before the storm. ideallly i would rain a shitstorm against her. but tuthfully i think i'll just leave and let her deal with all of the shit that they usually pile on me. someone finallly noticed that i was wearing the same thing everyday. he said he noticed before but didnt want to say anyhting. i think i would rather have someone tell me if i had food stuck between my teeth.

better

my mom gave me up so i could do great things and all i do is sit around and feel sorry for myself.

do you feel anything at all?

i've fallen into a k hole. stop me if you have heard this one before. i feel lackluster and old. i need something shiny and new. i think i am going to get my hair cut like the girl in kamakazi girls. not like the one dressed like a 18 century girl. but like the biker chick. i like the hair cut but i think that it might make my head look huge. like huge head mcgee. i feel ok inside, but really quiet. like free falling off a cliff or jumping out of a space station. maybe not maybe i'm just bored. maybe i need a new hobby. working and sleeping and reading is a lot of alone time. i find myself loosing all sense of patience with stupidity. it really pisses me off when people act like working in a theater is hard. one time i went on a date. he led me into a dark room and didnt tell me that i had to step down. i fell and twisted my ankle. needless to say it was a horrible date. after that i couldnt hang out with him without getting really drunk. was that fate telling me to runaway from a land mine? mad dog, mad dog.

you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends.

its like my brain has gone quiet and the nothingness in my heart has crept into my brain. i watched like, the most awesome movie tonight, it was called "wristcutters : a love story" and it was amazing. right up there with "me you and everyone we know" and " eagle vs shark"

the main character comits suicide and ends up in a desert purgatory with all of the other people that have ccommited suicide. he drives around this wasteland with two friends looking for his old girlfriend. i'm not making it sound as good as it was. i urge you , yes patrick that means you, since you are the only one that reads this, to go watch it.

so they live in a place that sucks. doing meaningless jobs, drinking and hanging out, not smiling, and i relized that is exactly where i am now. i'm toiling away at a job that i hate, doing nothing with my life, not smiling. wearing the same clothes for , i guess it's been three weeks now, and noone has noticed. i know i'm the only one that can save me, but i just dont care anymore.

tied to a night they never met.

it's like this, how can you not fall in llove with someone that answers every question pefectly? that has honor, and morals and good taste in music. that makes you laugh more than almost everyone. is it the chicken or the egg? am i glossing over the bad parts? is it because he's unavalible? can i fool myself into risking my heart only to have it slammed in my face again.

An anticipation for precipitation

i have been wearing the same clothes for two weeks. noone has noticed. i think i am becoming invisible.

You could be happy and I won't know

it's taken this long but i think i have finally learned what claire seemed to be trying to teach me all the years that i knew her. you can never depend on anyone but yourself. people will always leave, people will always let you down, and people will never really be there for you how/when you need them to be. no matter what the movies tell you things do not always turn out right and you can try your darndest and never get anywhere.
just when i thought that i was beginning to be alright with jesse not in this world i got another phone call that noone ever wants to get. dory was with me the first time i ever did speed ( during the first highschool dance of my freshman year.). he was the one who, while we were on acid in the cemetary, balanced out our praying to gravestones by jumpping up and down on them. he was the first person to ever tell me " it must suck to have such attractive friends" and he was the only person that i have ever met that could play both parts of "sleepwalker" by santo and johnny. i remember running around s/f/ with him going to his dads apt. hanging out in claires fathers house, and watching him play during his showes. he had such star power. i still to this day jock the amazing songs on rock immortal and laugh when i think of the guy licking a lolly pop in the she's only nine video.

when i was working at peets dory and his girlfriend would come in and it was always so nice to see him. i can't believe that that will never happen again.

it fucking hurts to lose people that you knew. it fucking damages your soul and rips apart your fucking heart. but does my grief diminish the grief of people that saw him everyday? people that he would actually call. does it matter when i knew him/? or how close we were? when people say " oh" does that mean that they dont know what to say or that they just don;t care. i feel like i'm drowning and there is nothing to keep me afloat.

I'm just an animal looking for a home Share the same space for a minute or two

i feel like heavy object is crushing me mind body and soul. i feel weighed down by the world and everything that could go wrong, has, but not in the way you expected. bad news from all over. i lay in the sun, at nature, reading it was supossed to be a relaxing day. it was the kind of day that i should have never gotten out of bed for. noone to talk to. noone to talk to.

won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff

i suddenly got really fucking angry for no reason.

gravity, stay the hell away from me.

saying i love you would ruin everything and make my glass house of cards shatter and fall apart. but i dont mean it. i really mean love me best because i love you. hold me close because we could be that kind of people, and let's not let this be weird.

I'm handin' over everything that I've got

i biked down to albany high to start my first day of school. it was the old albany high school, the building that i loved. i saw mrs. kline my old math teacher and realized that i had never taught a class and was totally unprepared. she took me into her class and told me that she would help me out. i sat at one of the desks with the other students and was totally lost. i started cleaning out the desk that i was sitting at. there were bananas and valentines and tons of old sunglasses. the bell rang and mrs. kline and i went down to the little auditorium. but they wouldnt let us in. it was something weird to do with the way that the school reported it’s test scores. i was pissed and began to freak out. i was wondering why i didn't pick a younger class because i don’t know my fractions well. ( i think this had to come from the episode of beauty and the geek that i watched.)

the next day i woke up a 1pm at my parents house. my sister and i were watching tv. and my mom kept bugging me about why i wasn't preparing for school. i told her i was sharing the class with someone else and i couldn't get the materials that i needed so i couldn't go in.

petur was in albany high taking pictures of his adult self sitting at the little desk chair combos. he was recreating pictures from his childhood.

later i was biking down key route and all of these berkeley high students were on the sidewalk blocking it. they were being fitted for dresses for the upcoming dance. i had to stop my bike to avoid them out of the corner of my eye i see petur donned in white sari material, much like in the darjeeling limited. he is hanging out with ivan and carlos , but ivan is persian i’m trying to avoid the group because i don’t want him to think i’m a stalker and i walk upstairs in the apt building. he comes up after me and we start to talk. ivans “sister” steals money from my purse to buy candy. i chase her all over and finally lose her. when i try to tell her father what happened. he blames me for it. calls me a liar. and stabs me in the mouth with a jagged knife. ( how fucked up is that? freud would have a field day)

then i’m with keyon a huge blond dyke and her little sister. we are driving around when we get stopped by a cop. the cop takes us out of the car and is telling us about this pop duo . it is a horrible Russian cover band that only does the britney spears/ madonna song “against the music.”

as we are watching this video unfold in horror. ( i think one of the girls was elizabeth shue) the cop awards begin. we are at an intersection much like the macaurthur exit from 580 . the cop who was with us is getting an award for best aerosmith fan. aerosmith songs begin to play. and we have to run up a hill. a car comes down the narrow path we are running up. and we have to hide in shallow spots in the dust rock. when we round the bend there is a train station. we have to get to santa cruz there are tons of people there but i don’t want to go on the train. i see ryan with johnny and some other nameless faceless santa cruz people. i tell him that if he wants to come with us we have room for one more. he says ok. claire and my sister take my card and go to the store. (i finally see numbers while sleeping!) as i cross the street i look at the dont walk sign and the numbers just keep rotating. claire and my sister are buying the world on my card. i become very angry.

i take my card and storm out. while walking away i see marcos and sharon i am talking to them and abby is doing standup inside the building behind us. she sees me and proceeds to quote me to myself. a funny clever quote about life and how amusing it is. i tell her that she must be mistaken because i hate life and then i wake up.

thoughts? musings? insights?

if i kissed you ware it's sore would you feel better?

dumbledore has died for the third time in my life.

my mom left me when i left her uterus.

my job pretty much sucks.

and i never learned to read.


but i beat phantom hourglass today. with three big helps from matt colin.

he may have gotten the hearts bomb bags. but i swiftly defeated the monsters.

it was sweet and i want to play again, my only regret is that once you beat the game you dont unlock anything for the second time around. i mean what the fuck is that about.

i feel mopey lately. like sleeping all the time might help. like my heart hurts and i'm sick of trying to find someone that will help me fix it. like my problems are so big that world hunger and global warming dont matter. because really i want someon that will cuddle with me at night and not touch me. i want to beable to craw inot bed with my mom and have her tell me everything is ok, but not have it be weird in the morning.
i want to watch 13 going on thirty.

i want my ideal person in life to want me too.
do yo like cats? i like cats.

this is one for the good days and i have i t all here in red blue green on my videotape

the line up at the theater on firday is the shittyiest most depressing set of movies i have ever seen.
michale clayton
we own the night
3:10 to yuma
vanaja
in the valley of elah
my kid could paint that
death at a funeral
the game plan
for the bible tells me so


and to top it all off i think i am getting sick because my throat really fucking hurts.

on the upside i actually spent money on the new radiohead album which i am likeing quite a lot.

what comes is better than what came before

i had a dream that oprahs husband was cheating on her with a live in girlfriend. the live in girlfriend was blonde and much like a bimbo. oprah had a kind of reality tv style show going on were she basically had cameras all over her house showcasing all of the fucked up things she was doing to the bimbo. there were two things that stood out. one the girl was only allowed to use a cramped bathroom and oprah had a picture of the bimbo getting the life squeezed out of her spray-painted next to the toilet. so when anyone sat on the toilet it looked like they were crushing the bimbo to death. second the bimbo owned life sized barbies that she would dress in the morning to decide what to wear that day and oprah took black sharpie and wrote the bimbos real address all over them for the cameras to see. ( this doesnt sound that bad, but the bimbo had rented the dolls and was paying maybe, 21 bucks a month for both. now that she had written on them she was gonna have to pay 61 bucks, she was upset.) the bimbo started stuffing the dolls into her backpack, crying and screaming, then my alarm went off and i woke up.

thunder only happens when its raining

in my dream lastnight i had a heart attack. it took a really long time for me to die and i was surounded by friends. i told them to tell my mom that i loved her. to tell homer that i loved him, to tell keyon that i loved him, to tell everyone that i loved them. then i stopped being able to speak. a man came in to interview people about my life. homer gave an interview. i cant remember what he said but it was heart wrenching. dying was really scary. i'm never eating macdonalds again.

i'm waiting for you in drops of dew

i had a dream that ryan was surrounded by blonde girls and i was shooting poisoned arrows at them. ( the girls, not him) i felt ok talking about it to him at lunch today, but as i was saying it i suddenly go embarrassed. when did i start living in fear of myself? is self editing something that you are supposed to do?

my brother is now dating a chinese girl from ny. i don't think they have been dating long but i find myself wishing that they will get married in china. and i will finally get to realize my dream of eating authentic chinese food. my parents have just returned from a birding trip to japan and my mom says that the food wasn't all that, but she was also using a wastebasket as a toilet. so i doubt they were eating anywhere high class.

things that have been said to be in this past week that have really got me down.

" you don't describe movies very well"
" you suck at this game. don't use the word in the definition"
" national treasure was not a good movie"( from two people that hadn't even seen it.)
" later"
"there are beer bottles in the box office trash"
" you probably like gossip girl" ( and i really truly do)
" your cat is fat"

i think i need to lay out in the sun for a while tomorrow.

things that have picked me up this week:

finding out that the Darjeeling limited is not a security print.
spending less money than i thought i did this weekend.
laughing hard with keyon in his apt.
watching Kajra Re
finding out that i don't have to spend 50 bucks of my food money on phantom hourglass because there is a rom for it.
eating french fries from ben and nicks.
realizing that no-one reads this and i could probably say whatever the fuck i wanted to.

with brains that could explain any feeling

i cant look at the golden gate bridge, picture or real thing, without bursting into tears. i have a right to that and stupid bitches that want to tell me i dont can go fuck themselves.

oh yeah....

... please, god, someone love me.

he drops to his knees says please my love, please i'll kill who you hate, take off that dress, you won't freeze

i own a black and a red pair of saltwater sandals, i fantasize about wearing one of each out. i don’t think anyone would call me a fashion victim to my face but today after shopping in the store underneath my apt and getting some very strange looks i got into my car and noticed i was wearing a canadian tuxedo. fuck.

i went to see the kingdom today. it wasn't really what i wanted it to be. i guess jamie fox was the star because he was the only one that got any kind of depth of character. but he didn't even get much of that.

i've been watching a lot of bad tv. well no, just tv. but the worst show i have seen so far is moonlight, man never fucking watch this show. it is a piece of crap. which pretty much sucks because i like some o f the actors in it. i'm gonna give it one more chance, because everyone knows that pilots haven't even come close to finding their ground, and then i'm gonna chuck it.

it's ok, i know that i'm the only one that reads this blog, and most of the time i dont even read it. have you ever felt like even when you are talking out-loud you are only talking to yourself?

homer and i had a photo shoot


homer likes to paw his kibble out of the dish and on to the floor and then he eats it. he likes playing with hair ties and sometimes when i see this i feel like a bad mother who cant afford nice things for him.

i was tired at 1130 but now i'm awake. if i just lie in bed in the dark will i fall asleep. if i just keep free thinking in this blog will i finally spew out something profound?

i vacummed most of my apt today. and i cleared out some of the clutter. it has been a long time coming but it was totally worth it.

i want to kiss him on his forhead right along his hair line. i want it to be ok, and not awkward, but i think that , knowing me, it WOULD be awkward and i would probably end up breaking his nose. le sigh

In that instant it started to pour

it's like emmett's 15 min romance on queer as folk. perfectly you, awesomely amazing. you sit around and watch all that you once had go off in different directions and you cant help but wonder if it is you. ( it probably is) really i just want someone to cuddle with. me, him, homer, sleeping quietly together in the warm confines of my breezy slightly heated room. it could be any of the many. it could be any of the past. any of the present. i miss the feeling of space travel. i could find you and be together. but in reality it never worked out. the awkward moments the knowing without knowing and then needing the assurance. fuck all of that. i will be many cats. i will have many cats and i will be the crazy cat lady. i mean old crazy cat lady's were once young. just like most homeless people have been to kindergarten, building things out of blocks and petting rabbits. do i think that i am forging this bond with people when mostly they are just drunk and forget all of the fun? sometimes i wish i was a trust fund baby.

how can we make love if you don't love me?

i decided that, like most of my years before, this year is going to be about me. something needs to happen, true love, drastic weight loss( hand flourish), moving away from the place that i have called home for 26 years.
but ultimately the thing that needs to change the most is me getitng comfortable in the idea of myself. no more living in my head. 19 was the year i became self aware, fell in love for the first time and was ultimately rejected. 20 - 23 was trying to get over the pain of loosing. first love, best friends, sanity. 24-25 was about discovering that there are people in the world that can love the true you even if they leave you for a fantastic japanese voyage and bring up all of yor abandonment issues. but 26 is about me feeling comfortable in my body, relizing that i can live my life because it is the only one that i'm going to get ( right now) and. relizing that moving away isn't abandoning all f the people that you hold close in yor heart , but about growing as a person and relizing that you can exsist on yor own.


noone to my knowledge has ever loved me best, and i think it is time to relize that i can love me best, ( not in a cotati way) but in a healthy way. becoming comfortable in my own skin is important and i think this is the year. so maybe i'm in the eye of the storm and i still am on the verge of something, maybe not, but i'm quite excited about this years prospects.

i've also had two beers and it is 4am .
read fast cos i might erase this when i wake up..

Hold on cuz the coldest hasn’t thawed yet

i'm not on the verge of anything anymore. i feel like i'm wallowing in a pit of ... something. does that sound too melodramatic?

Why do I assume these things are bad, bad,

Burnt down, burnt down?
Bad, bad, burnt down, burnt down?
Why must all those pretty things be sad, sad,
Somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?

i found a new pinback song that makes me want to slap myself in the face everytime i relize that it was created in 2002 and i could have had it in my possesion for 5 years instead of 2 days. man.

i went to a wedding today. my first adult weddding and it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. the vows they wrote renewed my hope for mankind and their wedding song was "as the world falls down" by david bowie from the labyrinth sndtrk, one of my favorite songs.

i lost everything i wanted to say. i'm going to make spagetti

kept us awake with wolves teeth

i had strange nightmares last night. i woke up angry. it was a personal and physical anguish, the kind that makes you not want to go to sleep. but also the kind that makes you glad to be awake, after you get over the aggrivating feeling of being rejected by your crush.

i hate good happy dreams where you get everything you could have ever wanted or needed. if you drempt like that why would you ever want to wake up?

i hate getting everything you ever asked for only to find out that instead of saying " i want him to like me" you should have said " i want him to like me AND want me."

most people think that other peoples dreams are boring, not their aspirations, but the actual things that they remember seeing while they were asleep. i like dreams. i like analyzing my deams. i like hearing about the strange worlds that the mind will make up.

once i drempt that i was in a huge arcade and my friends were dressed up like wizards( like in rushmore) i was trying to keep huge stacks of cds from falling. stacks the size of smaall buildings, but people kept trying to make the stacks into a weird alien form of janga.

true story. chew on that for a while.

i can walk and chew gum

arent you proud. i'm not really sure what this is gonna turn into, maybe this willbe the only post. i'm messing round with the html and am feeling very jittery from too much coffee.

i saw him on the street with his girlfriend and i didnt even care. thats progress.