In that instant it started to pour

it's like emmett's 15 min romance on queer as folk. perfectly you, awesomely amazing. you sit around and watch all that you once had go off in different directions and you cant help but wonder if it is you. ( it probably is) really i just want someone to cuddle with. me, him, homer, sleeping quietly together in the warm confines of my breezy slightly heated room. it could be any of the many. it could be any of the past. any of the present. i miss the feeling of space travel. i could find you and be together. but in reality it never worked out. the awkward moments the knowing without knowing and then needing the assurance. fuck all of that. i will be many cats. i will have many cats and i will be the crazy cat lady. i mean old crazy cat lady's were once young. just like most homeless people have been to kindergarten, building things out of blocks and petting rabbits. do i think that i am forging this bond with people when mostly they are just drunk and forget all of the fun? sometimes i wish i was a trust fund baby.

how can we make love if you don't love me?

i decided that, like most of my years before, this year is going to be about me. something needs to happen, true love, drastic weight loss( hand flourish), moving away from the place that i have called home for 26 years.
but ultimately the thing that needs to change the most is me getitng comfortable in the idea of myself. no more living in my head. 19 was the year i became self aware, fell in love for the first time and was ultimately rejected. 20 - 23 was trying to get over the pain of loosing. first love, best friends, sanity. 24-25 was about discovering that there are people in the world that can love the true you even if they leave you for a fantastic japanese voyage and bring up all of yor abandonment issues. but 26 is about me feeling comfortable in my body, relizing that i can live my life because it is the only one that i'm going to get ( right now) and. relizing that moving away isn't abandoning all f the people that you hold close in yor heart , but about growing as a person and relizing that you can exsist on yor own.


noone to my knowledge has ever loved me best, and i think it is time to relize that i can love me best, ( not in a cotati way) but in a healthy way. becoming comfortable in my own skin is important and i think this is the year. so maybe i'm in the eye of the storm and i still am on the verge of something, maybe not, but i'm quite excited about this years prospects.

i've also had two beers and it is 4am .
read fast cos i might erase this when i wake up..

Hold on cuz the coldest hasn’t thawed yet

i'm not on the verge of anything anymore. i feel like i'm wallowing in a pit of ... something. does that sound too melodramatic?

Why do I assume these things are bad, bad,

Burnt down, burnt down?
Bad, bad, burnt down, burnt down?
Why must all those pretty things be sad, sad,
Somehow, somehow?
Sad, sad, somehow, somehow?

i found a new pinback song that makes me want to slap myself in the face everytime i relize that it was created in 2002 and i could have had it in my possesion for 5 years instead of 2 days. man.

i went to a wedding today. my first adult weddding and it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. the vows they wrote renewed my hope for mankind and their wedding song was "as the world falls down" by david bowie from the labyrinth sndtrk, one of my favorite songs.

i lost everything i wanted to say. i'm going to make spagetti

kept us awake with wolves teeth

i had strange nightmares last night. i woke up angry. it was a personal and physical anguish, the kind that makes you not want to go to sleep. but also the kind that makes you glad to be awake, after you get over the aggrivating feeling of being rejected by your crush.

i hate good happy dreams where you get everything you could have ever wanted or needed. if you drempt like that why would you ever want to wake up?

i hate getting everything you ever asked for only to find out that instead of saying " i want him to like me" you should have said " i want him to like me AND want me."

most people think that other peoples dreams are boring, not their aspirations, but the actual things that they remember seeing while they were asleep. i like dreams. i like analyzing my deams. i like hearing about the strange worlds that the mind will make up.

once i drempt that i was in a huge arcade and my friends were dressed up like wizards( like in rushmore) i was trying to keep huge stacks of cds from falling. stacks the size of smaall buildings, but people kept trying to make the stacks into a weird alien form of janga.

true story. chew on that for a while.

i can walk and chew gum

arent you proud. i'm not really sure what this is gonna turn into, maybe this willbe the only post. i'm messing round with the html and am feeling very jittery from too much coffee.

i saw him on the street with his girlfriend and i didnt even care. thats progress.