release me

my oldest friend is a heroin addict and i'm afraid she is going to die. this is like totally lame. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant say the right thing. its taking me a long time to process and i think it is fucking me up in ways that i cannot imagine.

i dont sleep anymore, i'm tired all day until i get to my home and then i'm wired enough not to sleep. i'm chain smoking. i've been imagining scenes in my head where, like in the movie beaches , i have to explain to her kid how awesome and wonderful she was.

i'm really angry about the whole thing, and i feel helpless and like i want to brush it underneath the rug and forgetabout it. and guilty.

i want a stranger to give me the best hug ever and then walk away, no strings attached.