You could be happy and I won't know

it's taken this long but i think i have finally learned what claire seemed to be trying to teach me all the years that i knew her. you can never depend on anyone but yourself. people will always leave, people will always let you down, and people will never really be there for you how/when you need them to be. no matter what the movies tell you things do not always turn out right and you can try your darndest and never get anywhere.
just when i thought that i was beginning to be alright with jesse not in this world i got another phone call that noone ever wants to get. dory was with me the first time i ever did speed ( during the first highschool dance of my freshman year.). he was the one who, while we were on acid in the cemetary, balanced out our praying to gravestones by jumpping up and down on them. he was the first person to ever tell me " it must suck to have such attractive friends" and he was the only person that i have ever met that could play both parts of "sleepwalker" by santo and johnny. i remember running around s/f/ with him going to his dads apt. hanging out in claires fathers house, and watching him play during his showes. he had such star power. i still to this day jock the amazing songs on rock immortal and laugh when i think of the guy licking a lolly pop in the she's only nine video.

when i was working at peets dory and his girlfriend would come in and it was always so nice to see him. i can't believe that that will never happen again.

it fucking hurts to lose people that you knew. it fucking damages your soul and rips apart your fucking heart. but does my grief diminish the grief of people that saw him everyday? people that he would actually call. does it matter when i knew him/? or how close we were? when people say " oh" does that mean that they dont know what to say or that they just don;t care. i feel like i'm drowning and there is nothing to keep me afloat.