you could be happy.

we live a debaucherous life. of parties and drinking. i don't participate. the insanity is too much. if i lose control it will be all down hill. if i lose control people will be hurt, i will be hurt. i was angry in highs chool, but thats not true. i was angry at home.

she's better with over 5 months sober, but how long will it last? i cant keep my heart open anymore. im sick of wanting to believe. i was looking through my fb friends truing to find friend suggestions. i realized that she didn't know half of the people in my life anymore. it was a hard realization. truth brought to you by facebook. so i sit at home, neglecting my reading, neglecting my life. what do i have to show for it? well i don't act a fool except on my own terms. i told myself no more sarcastically racist jokes and tonight i couldn't stop the drivel from spewing out of my mouth. everyone laughs, but how old must it seem by now, the broad generalizations and that's what she saids.

what i really wanted i couldn't have and that was him. holding my hand. the dream within a dream. standing us against the world.

is this a secret blog now? now that it is connected to my old email address? noone read this anyways.

why do i only write in this when i am sad and depressed? when i have noone else to talk to.

is this the age when everyone pairs of and noone loves me best because i don't let them? because i don't love myself?